Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
