Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
