I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
