He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
