If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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