Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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