I can text with my tongue
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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