Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
