All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
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Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
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Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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