No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
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and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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