Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
