Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
