I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also, beer. Big fan.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
