She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
