Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
