i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
