Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
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You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
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I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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