My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
