You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
