i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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