My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
