I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
