I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Every concussion has its silver lining
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
