I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
