there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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