so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
