Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
