just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
