No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.