She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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