you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
