I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
