Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Someone came in the potted fern
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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