FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
