Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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