my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
