Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
