Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
