i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
