I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i believe in u and ur pee
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