I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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