apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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