can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
