Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
