If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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