I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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