Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
