when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
