DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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