If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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