Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
