I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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