'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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