i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
