Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
