So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
