note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I need water and some morals
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
