I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
